The Merits of Latin and Alcohol
by Dubbers
Summary: Summary: In which Jack gets drunk, latin makes an appearance, Ianto learns not to leave his clothes lying around, and Owen thinks he's hallucinating. This is a mostly serious fic, honestly!
1. in vino veritas

**Title: The Merits of Latin and Alcohol **or **What not to do with a tie**

**Summary: In which Jack gets drunk, latin makes an appearance, Ianto learns not to leave his clothes lying around, and Owen thinks he's hallucinating.  
And no, this is not crack, at least until chapter 2  
**

**AN: So, I was not planning on writing this, but then again, when do I ever plan what I write? But when the bunnies bite...  
This is very different to anything I've ever done before, so it might be a lil bit odd. The first chapter and beginning of the second are serious, and then it gets slightly crackish towards the ending. Unbeta'd. Probably around NC-15, though I'm not sure. Ianto's POV, post Small Worlds. Last bit in Owen's POV.**

**Disclaimer: Not mine  
**

**In vino veritas – In wine is truth**

Coat tails burning as Jack's eyes followed him around the room: Ianto was not surprised. He'd felt the older man's attention on him a lot more recently. But whether this was due to the Captain's lack of trust in him; concern about his well being; or something else entirely, he didn't know. What he did know however, was that it was seriously unnerving.

~~*~~

That evening, after putting up with Jack's stares all day, Ianto had finished working. Putting on his jacket, ready to quit the hub, Ianto was startled as the item was ripped off his shoulders from behind. He quickly went over the suspects in his head. Tosh had left about five minutes ago after setting up an over-night program; Gwen had taken an early leave to get home to Rhys' cooking; and Owen...Well, Ianto wasn't entirely sure where Owen was, he hadn't seen him much of the day, but he was sure the medic wouldn't come near him unless directly ordered to or if he was dying. So that only left...  
"Sir?" Ianto spun round to find the man in question about two metres away, idly swinging the confiscated jacket on his fingertips. The leer on his face was far from reassuring, and Ianto found himself tensing automatically. "What are you doing?"  
"Well," came the reply, sounding far too nonchalant to be truthful. "I figured there was no point in adding another layer."  
Ianto was confused. It must have shown on his face for the Captain continued. "Oh, come _on_ Ianto!" Somehow he had closed the gap between them without Ianto being aware any steps had been taken. He started backing away. "You know I've been dying to get you out of that suit of yours for _ages_." The Captain's leer suddenly took on a different edge. Almost..._hungry._  
Now Ianto was shocked. Jack had always flirted with him, dropping innuendo like a storm cloud drops rain, and while Ianto had returned the favour, it had never been serious, never went anywhere, he'd made sure of that. But now; the blatant advance, the almost primal desire – lust if you will – painted on the Captain's face, this was too much.  
His back hit a wall.  
Hands grabbed his shoulders, pinning him in place as the older man pressed himself closer.  
"Sir," Ianto tried, needing to regain some control of the situation. However, this just seemed to make things worse, (_or better_?), as the Captain shivered briefly before smashing their lips together.

~~*~~

Ianto came to his senses about two minutes later. Jack had pulled off his tie and currently had it wrapped around his own neck, and had un-tucked his shirt and was running his hands over Ianto's torso.  
Ianto acted without a second thought. He grabbed Jack's shoulders and pulled the older man closer, returning the kiss. Then he rolled them over, so it was Jack pinned against the wall. Now that he was effectively free, Ianto broke the kiss and pulled away, leaving the Captain panting against the wall looking rather dazed, and slightly pissed off. "What-" Ianto heard him begin before he cut him off.  
"No Jack. No."  
"Why?" the older man's voice sounded hoarse, but emotionless. It annoyed the Welshman that he could do that.  
"Neither of us want this."  
"Are you sure? Cause I'm pretty sure I do." That playful tone had entered his voice now. It only enraged Ianto further.  
"You're drunk." He stated, having long since identified the smell on the other man's breath.  
"Your point?"  
"You're not yourself, not thinking straight. You don't really want this." Ianto could feel his own voice growing hoarse now, but he straightened up anyway.  
"Oh contraire, mon amigo. 'in vino veritas'"  
Ianto smirked slightly. "I think whatever you were drinking sir, was a lot stronger than wine." He turned and walked towards the Hub door, uncharacteristically leaving his shirt un-tucked, tie around Jack's neck, and jacket...well, to be completely honest, Ianto didn't actually know where his jacket had ended up. His coat was on the sofa which was too near Jack to risk, so he left that there as well.  
"Goodnight sir." He called over his shoulder, and left.

~~*~~

Two hours later, Dr. Owen Harper stepped through the cog door, slightly inebriated. He had just popped in to get own of the spare umbrellas he knew Ianto kept somewhere around here, as it had been pouring for almost the entire day, and Owen's waterproof jacket had finally given in. So instead of wasting the rest of the night by trudging back home, he'd decided to come back here and 'borrow' an umbrella. He figured the worst the tea boy could do would be to put him on decaf, but getting laid was worth it. _Wasn't it?_  
Owen's ponderings were brought to a sudden end as he raised his eyes to the scene before him.  
Most of the Hub was in its usual after hours state: clean and tidy (at least when Ianto left after them). However, there was a small area that looked slightly...odd.  
It wasn't messy, but neither was it spick and span. There were a couple of dirty mugs on the stairs – Jacks' by the look of it, and there was a load of papers scattered across the floor. Ianto's coat was folded on the arm of one of the sofas, and his suit jacket appeared to be floating in mid-air.  
Owen stared at the lattermost item.  
A voice startled him out of his reverie.  
"Yes, I wondered about that too." The American tones floated across to him from just to the left of the flying jacket. Owen looked towards the sound of the voice, and immediately forgot about the jacket. For sitting calmly with his back against the wall, idly running a silken tie that looked like the one Ianto had been wearing earlier between his fingers, sat a rather rumpled Captain Jack Harkness, a large smile playing across his features.  
"Fuck."  
"Sadly not Owen, though I believe that was my plan for tonight. Yours also. So why don't you go get some before dawn breaks. I still expect you at work tomorrow."  
Owen stood dumbstruck as Jack picked himself up, took one last look at the floating jacket, and went to his office; Ianto's tie still clasped in his fingers.  
Taking Jack's advice, Torchwood's doctor quickly found the desired item, ditched his own jacket – making sure to hang it up by more conventional means, and soon left the Hub, trying his hardest not to think about captains, ties, tea boys, and flying garments.

**So, that's the end of the first chapter, the second will be up shortly. Reviews are very much loved, con crit appreciated. I hope you enjoyed this.**


	2. bibo igitur sum

**AN: And here's the conclusion. Still not mine, still unbeta'd.**

**Warnings: swearing and bad spelling.  
**

bebo igitur sum - I drink therefore I am

The next day, Ianto came into worked fully dressed once more. Tosh had arrived early, and she seemed startled to see Ianto walking through the cog door. She turned her head slowly to look at the two items laid out on the sofa.  
Ianto looked also.  
Item one: jacket. Item two: coat. Both folded on neatly on the sofa.  
Ianto raised a quizzical eyebrow at Tosh's expression.  
"Ummm..." she said. "I thought you were already here."  
Ianto smiled. "Maybe I am Tosh. Now, did you want some coffee?"

~~*~~

Having delivered the correct mugs to Tosh and Gwen (the latter had just appeared), Ianto made his was carefully to Jack's office.  
He wasn't sure what he should do about yesterday, so he decided not to mention it at all.  
He knocked twice, and then let himself in. Walking quickly over to the Captain's desk, careful not to make eye-contact with the man sitting behind it, he placed the mug down.  
"Your coffee sir. Now if that's all I'll be in the Archives." Without waiting for an answer, he turned to leave.  
"Ianto." The voice stopped him just before he got to the door.  
He gulped. "Yes sir?"  
"Sit."  
Ianto sighed, but did what was asked of him.  
"I'm sorry about what happened yesterday."  
Ianto's head snapped up. He didn't know what he'd been expecting, but it certainly hadn't been an apology.  
The Captain continued. "It was wrong. I shouldn't hav-" Ianto cut him off.  
"You were drunk sir."  
"That's no excuse Ianto." Jack sighed. "bebo igitur sum." _I drink therefore I am._  
Ianto nodded. "I understand sir." And he did. After Lisa, he'd got drunk almost every night. He'd just wanted to feel again, but also to forget. The burning sensation as the alcohol slipped down his neck helped with the first: the blissful state of ignorance he'd soon fall into helped with the second.  
"And it's okay sir, if anyone deserves to let go once in a while, it's certainly you. Just make sure I'm not around next time."  
The Captain smiled at that, and gave a mock salute. "Yes Sir!"  
Ianto got up, and made his way out of the office. Two seconds later, his head reappeared around the door.  
"Jack, what have you done with my tie?" The large smirk he got in reply was not reassuring.

~~*~~

Owen walked in through the Hub door with a very battered umbrella in hand. He'd decided to try and sneak it back into the Hub and hope he wasn't blamed for it; after all, that coffee was pretty good. He'd also decided to pretend that last night had never happened, and hope that someone else mentioned the floating jacket.  
Myffanwy squawked overhead as Owen looked around. The tea boy had his head stuck around the boss' door, so now was a perfect opportunity. Owen started to sidle past the sofa before catching sight of the two items on it.  
Item one: the coat. It was in the same place as it had been last night. But it wasn't that which caused Owen to rub his eyes.  
Item two: the jacket. The jacket which should have been hovering way out of human reach was folded neatly on top of item one. _God, maybe I had more to drink last night than I realised._  
Making sure his eyes weren't playing tricks on him now; Owen looked up to the space where the jacket had been the night before. Myffanwy flew past.  
And that was when he saw it. Not the jacket, but something much more alarming.  
Owen dropped the umbrella with a _thunk_. "Bloody hell.."

~~*~~

Ianto gave up on badgering Jack when he was startled by a loud noise coming from the main Hub. He span around to see Owen pointing dumbly with his mouth open, one very sorry looking umbrella decorating the floor next to him.  
"Owen, if you're-" he stopped as his eyes followed Owen's pointing finger.  
Myffanwy squawked; enjoying all the attention she was suddenly getting.  
Ianto was horrified.  
"JACK!"

~~*~~

When Jack heard the scream he knew he was in for it. Suddenly he couldn't remember why attaching Ianto's tie around Myffanwy's neck had seemed like such a good idea in the first place.

**~Fin**

**So, err...I would love to hear what you thought.  
**


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